I have been working on something for a client that got me DEEP into the thinking about why using non-judgmental language is so important. What came out of it is a handout that will be used for peer supporters but I think is so important for all of us to keep in mind in our everyday lives and connections!
Non-Judgmental Language
We as humans have an innate desire and ability to “group” things in our minds into categories – “like me” or “not like me,” “helpful” or “harmful,” all the way to basic judgments about whether things are “good” or “bad.” This is a protective instinct that we have that is intended to sort incoming information so that we know whether or not to move closer to things that are going to nurture us or run away from things that might hurt us.
These instinctual categorizations are really judgments – interpretations or opinions formed about what we see or hear. Judgments are not inherently bad – in fact, when we make a decision or form an opinion based on objective, authoritative information or good sense or wisdom, judgments can be very helpful. At times, though, our judgments may get in the way of our being open to new information or to others’ perspectives.
When it comes to helping others, we are best served by reserving our own judgments and trying to open ourselves to that person’s perspective and situation. We want to use non-judgmental language so that we don’t shut down someone else based on our own judgments or opinions.
What is non-judgmental language?
Non-judgmental language is a way of communicating with other people that encourages them to share about their experience. Non-judgmental language is using words that do not put a negative interpretation to what the person is sharing. Instead of using words like “good,” “bad,” “right,” or “wrong,” it is using more neutral and non-judgmental words to express that you are hearing the person, rather than judging what they say.
Why is using non-judgmental language important?
Speaking out of judgment (conscious or unconscious) can shut down a conversation, while non-judgmental language keeps the communication open and allows someone in need to be more vulnerable and share more, so that you have a better understanding of their situation and will be more able to offer help and show you care.
When we are trying to help and support someone, non-judgmental language is a way to demonstrate that we are open to and focused on what they are saying, that we are not disapproving or critical of them. We want to convey that we are supportive, sympathetic, and curious – all of which make us someone they want to open up to.
How do I practice using non-judgmental language?
Watch the words you are drawn to say in conversation. How often do you rely on words like “good,” “bad,” “right,” or “wrong” (or other versions of these words)? These types of words express that you have an opinion about what the other person is saying, rather than being open to their experience and listening to what they say.
Practice listening fully, trying to understand what the other person is saying. Reflect back to them what you understand, and ask curious questions about things you don’t understand. The goal is to try to understand their perspective, rather than trying to share your own.
Respond with observations, acceptance, and encouragement, rather than with advice, opinions, or judgment about what they said. Advice and opinions mainly serve to end the conversation, not to continue it. Letting the other person know what you observe when they are talking (“You were upset by what your friend said,” or “You get tearful when you talk about that situation.”) shows them that you are paying attention, rather than trying to figure out what to say next. Using words that convey acceptance (“It’s okay,” “That makes sense,” “I hear you”) make the other person feel heard and valued, and they are likely to share more.
Substitute curiosity – The antidote to falling into judgment (about ourselves or others!) is to be curious instead. When you find yourself feeling like it’s hard to reserve judgment or get yourself out of that thinking, try to reframe the judgment into a curious question – “What does it feel like…” or “Why do you think you feel that way?” instead of “You must feel…” or “Don’t feel that way.” Asking a question instead of stating an opinion opens the conversation and allows for more understanding, which will lead to less judgment!
We all want to feel heard and understood. Using non-judgmental language allows others to see us as someone who is open to hearing and understanding what they are going through, which helps them to feel more comfortable sharing vulnerable information and being open to our assistance. Using non-judgmental language sets us up to be a presence of connection and hope for people when they need it most.
Resources:
A Simple Method to Avoid Being Judgmental - https://zenhabits.net/a-simple-method-to-avoid-being-judgmental-yes-that-means-you/
Non-Judgmental Language: Helpful Phrases - https://www.uwsp.edu/hr/Documents/Site%20Documents/Human%20Resources/Non-Judgemental%20Language%20for%20Feedback.pdf
